Photo by @jnmillejo
In the first few chapters, we will try to create an exhaustive list of the processes that are at play to keep you from altering your life in the way you choose.
You are the average of the people you regularly interact with.
Humans are Social animals. Not only are we capable of living in a group with common practices and goals but our sense of self is also tied tightly to the group we regularly associate with.
Who am I ?
Within a group, each member has an idea of his station in the group. Is he/she a leader ? Is he/she beautiful? What is his/her name ? What does the group like ? What does it not like ?
The Cave dweller’s life depended on being part of a tribe. Disassociation from the tribe meant death. Nowadays the danger of Disassociation is negligible and one can easily move from one “tribe” to another. In fact people move from one country to another, leaving kith and kin behind. Yet, still, isolation ranks very high in people’s fears and can be linked to many geriatric diseases.
Health and Wellbeing
Our bodies have evolved to keep us part of a group. Usually this is the group we are born into. Cues from other people that we are loved and accepted trigger the Parasympathetic Nervous system (previous chapter - emotions) starting a rest and relax response and flooding us with pleasing chemicals like dopamine. These chemicals care for the body and are an important requirement for health and wellness.
In-fact, isolation, which deprives us of these chemicals, has been linked to various diseases like diabetes, organ failures, mental decline etc.
In short, it seems, the body will keep you alive if you are part of the tribe.
A Sunny Mental Model
Again this is all based on your “perception” of reality. If you can mistake a cue for adoration, that will work as well. This is why some people can never feel adored or cared for as their perception is that they are unlovable. In their mental model they “cannot” be loved and hence their body doesn’t create the pleasing chemicals.
Similarly, a like on facebook is a proxy for adoration and triggers a dopamine hit.
The problem with a “fake” dopamine hit is that it is addictive. In the normal setting you need to work hard to “fit” in with the crowd and form deep connections of trust and get a dopamine hit for your troubles. This motivates you to do more similar activities. The effort required regulates the amount of dopamine you get, keeping you balanced. As “likes” on facebook proxy the goal at much lesser effort, we get obsessed with posting on facebook and ignore the work of building deeper connection with people and possibly other more important things in life.
In times of distress, these deeper connections will help you, not the number of likes on facebook. Also these deeper connections will also “like” anything you post. Hasn’t your mom “liked” and “commented” on every post of yours?
Again, you perceive mom’s “likes” and “comments” as minor irritations rather than a cue that you are adored. Hence no dopamine hit.
Is that thought yours?
The longer we have interacted with an individual in an intimate way, the more power their words and actions have on us. In-fact we absorb their thoughts and they become ours.
Much of our self talk/subconscious thoughts are created from impressions when we were very young. Your beliefs and your impressions of yourself are affected by how your parents/guardians behaved with you and around you.
Bullying that happens in schools and modern day workplaces, works like this as well. Team members behave badly with the victim installing negative self-talk in that person making it harder for that person to perform and thus making him vulnerable to more bad behaviour.
A good way to deal with negative self-talk is just to ask the thought “Who do you belong to?” and ask it to go back there.
Habits
Many of our habits both good and bad are created and kept in place by the people we most regularly interact with. The office smoke group, the Gym buddy who wakes you up early every morning. This is why most self help books beseech you to get a partner to guarantee success in your change goal.
Status Quo
Human beings are naturally conflict averse. So we tend to gravitate to groups that don’t pull our strings. Unfortunately, these groups tend to promote the status quo and are thus the reason you stay the same.
You are probably not going to find your running partner in your wednesday dunkin donuts group.
Entering a new group requires you to overcome a lot of rejection which drastically impedes dopamine. Changing the values of a group is definitely a NO for the average Joe. Lets be frank, we are not all Martin Luthers or M.K.Gandhis.
Growth
I have found that many times your current group is limiting what you can achieve and maybe even denying you what you deserve. The world has changed, there are people out there who will value your talents and contribution and it has never been easier to find them.
Take the risk, find your tribe.
In conclusion, the people we interact with play a major role in our lives, yet most of the time, we assemble them by accident. Learning to be creative about people you interact with will make change a whole lot easier, (after the initial mind-numbing pain).
Drug addicts have a much higher probability of kicking their habit if they move very far away from the site of their addiction.