Photo by Kira auf der Heide
Having completed a long list of factors that make change difficult, the next few chapters are about the difficulties in choosing a worthy goal.
Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck. - Dalai Lama
In the last chapter we saw how choices require freedom from the past to avoid repeating the past in our future. This is of-course easier said than done. This chapter is about getting to the state of zero where, for a little time, you are not driven by the future you are living into and more importantly the state of anything is possible. The best ideas come from this state because you can tap into what you really *want*.
Worry and frustration
Usually, the need to change is preceded by a period of worry and frustration caused by a future that seems to be shaping up. Note that the future may only be shaping up in your head or maybe shaping up in reality as well. Both of these can cause worry and frustration.
The paradox is that the worst state of mind to decide a new direction is when you are worried or frustrated.
The alarm that went out of control
By default, the mind shifts awareness to the problem it feels most requires your attention. It is able to correctly diagnose physical problems like, for example, when a tiger is chasing you I doubt you will be thinking of your taxes.
Problems in the future, on the other hand, will popup arbitrarily depending on what the mind thinks is the most urgent. Even worse, the brain allocates background cycles to work on these problems draining you of energy.
This is worry. It’s the alarm going off about unresolved things in your life. The problem is the brain doesn’t know when to alert you as the problem is some time in the future but also looming over you right now. So it alerts you any time you are “free”?.
Freedom is not not here
(read that again, it’s not a typo). When frustrated or worried, we feel the best place is any place but right here. This may not be wrong but is definitely not helpful. It may be correct that going to a different place is better for you, but where will you go?
Without a direction, your habitual behaviours could lead you to another place that feels exactly the same.
Also, it may be possible to find a creative solution to make right here much better. The problem is that the future you are living into will not allow you to see points of light in the current situation, even worse it will accentuate the negatives. Most importantly, it will rob you of a chance to connect with what you truly want.
Getting present
To deal with the future you are living into, the first thing you need to do is get present to it.
Take your journal and write down how the situation you are dealing with will unfold. Be blunt and honest. Regardless of the discomfort and resistance, Write as much detail as you want and write until you are empty. Don’t be scared to write everything down. If you like use a rough sheet for this part of the exercise so that you can throw it away later.
Read through it a couple of times and now answer this question,
Who are you being in the situation ?
Are you being defensive? Are you being aggressive ? Are you being hopeless ? Are you being sacrificing ? Are you being adored ? Are you being hated ?
Come up with a number of ways of being that describe how you are in that situation.
Next answer this question
How would you like to be ?
Would you like to be creative ? Would you like to be assertive ? Would you like to be grounded ? Would you like to be respected ?
Write these ways of being in your journal. (You can throw away the story document now).
Touched, Moved and Inspired
This exercise is best done with a facilitator who can ask the right questions and tear through your own mind fog, but alone works as well. Ideally, when you say out loud how you want to be you should feel something. It should be your energy rising, hair standing on end (sometimes), or tears. You should feel touched, moved and inspired.
If you don’t, then consider that you are not allowing yourself to discover that way of being. The circumstances of your life have just cut that way of being out of your life. Dig deeper, work on your story more, what is really happening ?
From Being to Action
By adopting the new way of being that you have discovered, what actions or next steps become apparent to you ? These actions are the to-do list for keeping that way of being alive.
The Doing, Having, Being Trap
All of our lives we have been told that we need to earn so that we can have wealth and become someone. We may change earn to another verb and wealth to another noun, but the progression remains the same.
Doing leads to Having which leads to Being.
The problem with this method is that most of the “doing” time is spent being miserable about not being what you hope to be in the future. Also, there is always the possibility that your doing will fall short and you are left not being. The experience of life is “this is not where I should be”.
Being - Doing - Having
Say the word “Happy” out loud, how do you feel ? How about “loving” ? Do you feel loving now ? How about “confident” ?
Way of being is a choice.
WAT ? Dude, in ALL the previous chapters you said that way of being was affected by people, things, the sun, the moon and now you say it’s a choice ?
In an environment of low conflict, it’s easy to choose your way of being. In high conflict situations and situations where you just do not care, you resort to your default behaviour and hence your default way of being, as governed by the future you are living into.
We will talk more about how to conjure up the way of being you choose in a later chapter, but for now consider that you can choose your way of being.
Theoretically, Your way of being will give you actions which will lead to doing and hence having. Having will give energy to your Being and a virtuous loop is setup. The bonus is that you feel great throughout. Your experience of life is great.
Next Steps
Don’t do anything yet, just write down the ways of being that touched you. Try this exercise out in other areas of your life that you are dealing with. Write everything down in your journal. (email me with the subject “change101” if you would like a free facilitation on this exercise or talk about anything else we covered so far).
What just happened
Through this simple exercise you got present to the future you are living into. That gave you clarity for a few minutes to reach into your soul and be touched by the way of being you really want to be.