Photo by @soymeraki
Having completed a long list of factors that make change difficult, the next few chapters are about the difficulties in choosing a worthy goal.
(This is a long post, read it slowly and mull over it)
The greatest power on earth is the choice. A man faced with insurmountable evidence that a destination cannot be reached, can still choose that destination.
One of the greatest benefits of living in the 21st century is that we have so much choice! In every aspect of our lives, there are innumerable options - breakfast cereal, toothpaste, underwear, spouse, intoxicants, even our sex is a choice now. There should be no obstacle to our happiness right ? But…?
The Paralysis of too much choice
A study conducted some years ago made an astonishing discovery, more choice actually increases stress and decreases satisfaction. The amount of cognitive load required to consider all options is huge. Further, the buyer’s remorse is worse with more options because we worry more about lost opportunities.
There are broadly 2 ways to select from options
Decisions
Choices
Decisions
Decision: To select an option based on criteria.
The word decide comes from the root (Latin) caedere which means to cut. When you decide, you literally cut off options that don’t suit you. In a sense you work yourself into a corner through criteria and choose the last option standing.
Most people confuse decisions with choice. A decision is completely based on criteria. You look at the options and consider various criteria that are important and the best one wins.
The problem with decisions, is that they leave you with the feeling of having no choice.
When I bought my first motorcycle, just out of college, I spent hours thinking about the best motorcycle. I considered mileage, serviceability, reliability as my top 3 criteria. There was a clear winner. Hero Honda Splendor+. It was a great buy, served me very well, absolutely no problems at all. Never broke down in the 5 years I rode it.
There was only one problem, I had no feelings for it.
It didn’t inspire me, it didn’t give me any joy. It filled a need. Worst of all, it made my life ordinary. I became the guy riding a Hero Honda Splendor. A picture I didn’t find inspiring (no offence to Hero Honda!).
My error was that my criteria didn’t include me in any way. Also, because the power of attorney had been handed over to my criteria, the bike never really became mine. I lost agency in my life, i.e I was left with the feeling that I had no power of choice in my life. Even worse, as the bike was liked by all, I lost confidence in my own choices, (if I had gone with my whims, I would have chosen something else which may have been criticised).
So, do I need to ignore criteria? NO, you just need to choose.
Choice
Choice: To select an option AFTER considering the options.
Sounds the same as a decision no? The big difference here, is that you are not basing your selection completely on criteria. You looked at the options, did a little research, whittled down the options based on some criteria and then stepped back and YOU CHOSE.
You said “I want *this* in my life”.
A good way to differentiate a decision from a choice is to ask yourself -
Why did I choose X ?
If your answer to this question was akin to
I chose X because <some reason>
Then what you made was a decision. The reason could be anything,
Because its blue
Because I like blue
Because I hate red
Because it came with a great discount
Because the sky is so high
All of these mean you made a decision.
So what would be the answer if I made a choice ?
It would look like…
I chose X because “I” chose X.
If you read that last sentence and felt something, that’s power reentering your life.
What’s the big deal ?
Sounds like grammar to you ? Let me explain.
Your way of being in life is determined in part by the “things” and “people” you have in your life. It is theoretically possible to have a way of being independent of external situations, but that is a feat achieved after years of austerity. It is what we call Moksha in India. Freedom from entanglements. People spend lifetimes getting there.
For the rest of us, we need to be strategic about having things and people in our lives that enhance our way of being.
When you choose, you give power to your way of being, not only at the instant of your choice but for the future as well.
Another problem with decisions is that validity of criteria might change or the thing in question may fail the criteria later. Then you have something that you don’t like and that isn’t good in your life. Double whammy.
Choices, though, are stable because they are not based on anything external.
What if there is no choice ?
Sometimes life doesn’t give you options at all. You grew up an orphan for example, or you grew up in a dysfunctional home, or you were bullied at school or You *have* to do X.
The beauty of choice is that you can choose even if there is no option.
I choose growing up an orphan, because “I” choose growing up an orphan.
This is very powerful. It stops your mind constantly irritating you with “If only you weren’t an orphan”. It gives you freedom to be anything you want without that baggage.
It’s important to not add “and there is no other choice anyway” to the above because that will give power to your past.
Bad Choices
Does this mean that I will never make bad choices if I choose ?
No way! The only difference is that when you choose, they become your mistakes and not caused by something or someone else. You don’t become the victim.
The trap though, is when, your choices become you. Your choices are not you, you chose them using the power you have to create in your life, but they are not you.
Making a bad choice does not mean you are a bad person. It doesn’t even mean that you are bad at making choices, it means you made *a* bad choice.
Also don’t be afraid of cutting your losses. You are always free to make another choice.
This process will help you become more circumspect and thorough and gain even more power in your life.
When should I choose ?
Choice requires freedom from your past. It must be a result of being touched, moved and inspired in some way by a future. Making a choice when you are running away from something uncomfortable or stressed in some way will not allow you to properly look at the options and consider them.
Before making a choice, empty yourself, so that it’s not the future you are living into driving your choice. We will talk about decision making prep in a later chapter.
Should I always choose ?
I would say yes.
Always choose what’s in your life.
Consider the options and criteria you want to, but you should choose. You should get kids to choose early on as well, so that they learn how to make good choices.
Choice is as much a tool of self discovery as a tool to discover what the world can provide.
Choice is a fundamental faculty of a human being. Learning to choose well will fill your life with ease, joy and glory. A life of decisions, on the other hand, leads to a life of people and things which are great and can be admired but will leave you empty and lifeless.
Just breathe and choose.